Sunday, 8 August 2010

August 5th 2010 ....12 Months On

August 5th will be a date that will stay with me forever - just like one's birthday or Christmas or wedding anniversary. But August 5th 2010 has been the first year that this date meant something to me. It is 12 months to the day that Dave dropped his bombshell.  I don't think I will ever forget the feeling of  .... complete and utter shock, hollow, panic, nausea ... and so, so much more, when I heard him utter those devestating words, "I've fallen in love with somebody else", as I was driving us home the same day that I lost my job - a job I had given my heart and soul to for 2 years.  How could he make it sound so fairy tale when those same words were killing me? And, knowing 'that somebody else' was one of my best friends. The hurt, anger, humiliation, despair, betrayal .... it doesn't take much to allow those feelings to take over one's mind, even now, 12 months on.

So how do I feel now? Regarding Dave - I don't know what I feel really. I don't think I love him anymore. I suppose I'm a bit indifferent towards him. He has caused me alot of unhappiness over these 12 months and rubbed my nose into the wound on several occasions - how can I still love him? I know I hate her .... Kelly. Strong words maybe, but it's the truth. I want to still love him because otherwise the last 20+ years of my life don't make much sense ....
25/10/09 Our final goodbye at Calgary airport - so civilised.  I can hardly believe I behaved the way I did now. Just proves how a photo can hide a multitude of truths. Does this photo really depict a couple saying goodbye after 20 years of marriage and one partner being devestated by the betrayal?? Dave looks happy enough though - relieved to get rid of me maybe??

But I have achieved so so much on my own. A very rocky path indeed but I am now in my own little home and planning wondrous things for it! Ha - depends so much on money. After living like a student for the last 9 months - surrounded by furniture etc begged, borrowed and stolen (okay, not stolen!!) - I can't wait to start putting my home together around me. My annoyance now is my body.  If you know of anybody with this debilitating condition called fibromyalgia, please please show them some understanding and don't judge. They may look fine but my, oh my - the likelihood is that they don't feel fine ..... and this house move has really brought home my limitations. My mind is so active and willing - my body not so much! A combination of extreme fatigue and all over body pain - so bad some days I can barely stand .... well, it's not good. This, combined with bad knees and a weak painful ankle .... getting the picture?  I suppose this has been one of the hardest things in accepting Dave passing me over for someone else - that now is the time I really need someone to help me through ..... just as I helped him through his long years of illness. The one fear I have for the future is being alone. With no parents, no children and what small family I have being far away - it's not hard to feel alone.  But then I remind myself that family isn't just blood ties.  I have a wonderful family of friends. My friends are so dear to me - but I can't keep asking for help especially as I'm unable to return favours - on a physical level anyway.

I do wonder how people can just move straight into another relationship after experiencing similar to me. Much as I would love to meet somebody who genuinely cared for me, to share things with, to plan with - how on earth does one overcome the trust issue??? And who would want to take me on anyway?  In a society that is preoccupied with body image I don't think I stand a chance .... plus all my baggage!!  Tee hee! Yes I know I should lose weight - so much easier said than done though. In the past I always controlled my weight through exercise, but this is just impractical now - can't cycle, can't walk far. But I can swim - if I can just get over the mental block of putting myself in a position to be gawked at. And before you all post comments saying that won't happen - I see photos of myself and I gawk!! However, while I'm this size I'm safe from the attention of any males and so don't have to deal with relationship quandries!!

I love living back in the UK.  I don't miss living in Edmonton although there are things about living there that I do miss - does that make sense? I definitely miss some people ( and you all know who you are!). I miss the folk scene. I miss canoeing. I miss the price of things!! I miss rubbermaid storage boxes. I miss my furniture and pictures. I don't miss snow and winter. I don't miss pesky mosquitoes. And I most certainly don't miss some people!!  Ha ha ha!


  1. Hi Clare:

    Let the f***ers gawk! Exercise is too important re dealing with fibromyalgia.

    Your Personal Trainer,

  2. I DID it - I put on that swimming costume and paraded myself at the hotel swimming pool and thought - gawkers, if I offend you .... TOUGH!! Thanks Mark xxx