Thursday, 14 January 2010

Wednesday 13th January

Something occurred to me today.  It could be seen as rather sad, but as I like to analyse where my feelings and behaviour come from, so that I can understand what is happening to me (or my mind) these days - to me it is a revelation.  Something I now understand, accept, admit.  Something which I realise I am now totally responsible for in the future.  Something which may or may not change or be changed.

Oh how I miss having another living being around me soooooo much.  I realise now how lonely it can be on one's own.  Of course I can go out and see people, but the normality of everyday life at home has been lost. I truly miss Dave so much sometimes that I feel my heart cracking - even after all the pain he has put me through.  The table is a lonely place to eat a meal - no general banter, no smiles, no discussion of the dish served.  No good mornings or good night kisses.  The house seems hollow ... it is so quiet, no footsteps, no doors closing, no loo flushing and I just don't feel right talking to myself ..... or a wall.  For more than 20 years I shared my life with my husband and even though we had companionable silences, there was always life nearby.  Music, chink chink of climbing equipment, snoring and a voice in all its dimensions - chatter, laughter, singing. Plus, of course, our cats.  Even if Dave wasn't around I always had 2 little dependants to chat to, cuddle, care for, talk to, reprimand, laugh at, etc etc.  I miss that so much .... company, warmth of another living body close to me, laughter, chat, disagreements even.  Sometimes when I am in the kitchen I hear the front door closing and my heart gives a little flutter as I think, "Dave's home".  But then reality kicks in as I realise it must be next door's front door and Dave is never coming home for his tea again.

Ginger, my friend from next door, came to visit yesterday (miaowing VERY loudly in the rain outside the kitchen door) and followed me around as I got on with my chores - stripping and remaking the bed, (Midgey and Moose used to love this chore - chasing, rolling around and hiding under the sheets!), hanging the washing over the drier, etc.  I sat down for an hour and at that moment realised how lonely I am at home.  He jumped straight onto my knee, purred incessantly, pushed his face into mine, looked deep into my eyes as if searching for answers from me, and then cuddled up alongside me with his sweet face resting on my leg.

Oh how much I miss Midgey and Moose .... although their cuddles are rather different from Ginger's and if I have to be honest, not quite as relaxing .... not with Midgey attacking my ear lobe and pummelling my neck and Moose always appearing to be confused by what is expected from a cuddle! I have much more of an understanding now of how someone must feel when their partner dies, and they are plunged into an unplanned life alone, especially if there was just the two of them at home.  It truly does only take a second for one's life to change unbearably and forever.

On a lighter note, the weatherman announced on the radio today, " It's not getting warmer, but it will be less cold!!"  Go figure that one!  Well I don't know how the weather was (or is) in Edmonton today, as the Olympic Torch is carried on its relay through the city, but it sure was pretty dull here in York.  Rain and misty. Anyway I hope it all went smoothly - no dropped batons or extinguished flames!  I wanted to include a photo here of the River Ouse today (York's river) but for some reason it keeps failing to up load.  No idea why!

It's well past my bed time.  In fact I should have turned into a pumpkin 40 minutes ago!  Happy zzzzzz's everyone.  Don't let the bed bugs bite.

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